A Lack of Faith

How is it that even a young child can lack faith in God or fail to trust God?

I grew up knowing that my parents had lost their first child when she was less than three months old. I always thought that losing a child was such a terrible thing and didn't understand how my mother, who was very young at the time, could have survived it. I admired her for her strength and her ability to go on despite such heartache. I never gave much thought to how my father must have felt until years later - just a few years ago actually when I heard his story for the first time (I feel very badly about this now); after all, he was older, away from home preparing to fight in a war, and fathers didn't (in my mind) spend as much time with their children as mothers did.

As young as I was, I prayed that God would not let me lose a child when I grew up. I continued to pray this for years, since I knew that I would not be able to handle losing a child and feared that I would blame God. Blaming God for what happened might cause the dreaded "thing" to happen - "waking up" in hell if I should die. Throughout the rest of my life, until the incident I'm going to relate below, the possibility of losing a child was always with me.

I had my first child when I was twenty-two, and everything went well - easy pregnancy, easy delivery - wonderful, beautiful baby. The second pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy (though this was not diagnosed until after having surgery to save my life), was anything but easy. I considered the fact that I did not die from this experience to be a miracle and still believe this.

I suspected an ectopic pregnancy when my daughter was seven months old after experiencing extreme, long lasting pain the day after Thanksgiving and then again on Christmas night. I saw the doctor the day after Christmas; however, when the doctor suggested that I probably had the flu (top on his list of possibilities with an ectopic pregnancy on the bottom of a list of six or eight possibilities) I jumped at the possibility. My trusty "Good Housekeeping" medical book (a very good book) said that it was often impossible to have children after having a "tubal" pregnancy, and that did not suit me since I planned to have several children. The book gave me a lot of information, including the fact that when there is internal bleeding, one often feels referred pain in the left shoulder - I had this pain. I told the doctor about all of my symptoms (except the pain in my shoulder). Since I did not want to have a tubal pregnancy, I decided that if I could diagnose my condition using only my medical book, my doctor ought to be able to make a correct diagnosis (despite one missing symptom) since he'd had years of medical school and practical experience to help him. The only thing my medical book did not tell me was that I could die from this condition.

I was extremely weak and did not feel like going anywhere, but my husband and I had plans to visit my his family for New Years. My husband would not have made the trip without me, and I had this irrational feeling that if my husband did not see his father on this trip, he would never see him alive again. I continued to grow worse during the visit; and on New Year's day, I was so weak I could not stand up without passing out. The biggest problem was that we were fifteen hundred miles from home. I refused to go to the hospital where we were; therefore, my husband drove those fifteen hundred miles with me lying in the back seat trying to hold on to our then nine month old daughter.

We made it home, and I was immediately admitted to the hospital. My doctor was shocked to find out that I had traveled 3000 miles since he had seen me about a week earlier. I knew I was dying and told both my husband and baby goodbye, believing I would never see them again. The amazing thing was that I was not afraid; I was at peace. I had dealt with some things that had been a barrier between God and me, and He gave me the strength to find peace while believing that I would not wake up from the surgery. The doctor, I believe, was guided by God (it turned out that he was ill at the time himself). The surgery went well, and I recovered much more quickly than expected. The amazing thing, in addition to the fact that I survived, was that I never experienced any grief over the loss of this baby. I felt that God had allowed my to lose a child in a way that I could deal with. I had known from day one of the pregnancy that there would never be a child for me to hold and to love. I never thought of a name for the baby or dreamed about this child growing up - none of the normal things women do when expecting a baby. I knew within myself that there would never be a living baby to hold, and this somehow prevented the horrendous grief that I had feared for so many years. I was so thankful to God to be alive, to be able to go home with my husband and my nine month old baby, that there was no room for grief. I read somewhere that grief is often delayed, and that sometimes months or years later it suddenly rears its ugly head. This never happened. Sometimes I thought that perhaps there was something wrong with me that I did not grieve; I no longer believe this.

And I was right. My surgery was on January 2nd or 3rd (it's been nearly forty years ago) and my husband's father died unexpectedly toward the end of that same month. I had recovered sufficiently during that short time to be able to attend the funeral with him and my daughter.

Little did I know that this was not the end of the story that began with a little girl who did not trust God to know what was best for her; actually, this was not the story at all. But I'll save that for next time.

The journey began again and continues fresh each day.

Useful Books and Studies

Help on the Journey

I don't know about you, but I haven't always managed so well throughout my life's journey. I've spent almost all of my life in the church (and I am thankful for that), and I have always wanted to be close to God but have struggled with this and often failed (and continue to fail) miserably. I've read a lot of books and attended a number of really good faith related conferences throughout my life, but still I struggle (I've save the struggle for another time maybe).

Except for the Bible, there is no book, no study, no conference that has all the answers; but there are resources and persons who can help us along the way. It often takes a lot of small - or what seem like small things - to get us to the point where we finally look to God. I'm not just referring to salvation but also to the journey that spreads out after salvation called sanctification.

I'd like to recommend some books and studies that I have found very helpful (you can undoubtedly recom- mend some to me as well). There are things I've learned from these and other resources that I wish I had known sooner. There are some things I learned years ago, but I did not necessarily use the information wisely or at all - very foolish. It's like the old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" - (old proverb dating back to at least 1546 - found in a book by John Heywood). Fortunately, God is much more interested in what is in the heart than what people see or think they see on the outside.

I like the words in Isaiah chapter 6 verses 1 & 5, which read, "In the year that king Uzziah died I saw also the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple. Then I said, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts." Sometimes we have to lose someone or something to be able to finally, really SEE God. If we see God for who He is and ourselves as we are, we have to see that we are woefully lacking. We are nothing that God should be mindful of us (paraphrase), yet He loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us. That has to be a great love; I do not think I could or would send my son to die for a lot of wicked people. The closest thing I can think of to this is men (this tells how old I am) going off to war, and I do understand believing in the rightness of something so much that one goes out into the unknown knowing full well that one's very life may be lost. I've thought often of Revis Montrey over the years. The young man who at the age of eighteen willingly gave up his student deferment to join the armed forces during the Viet Nam war; and within six months (I believe that is the correct amount of time), his life was lost. Revis, in my estimation, was the most popular boy in our class of 633 students and a genuinely nice guy, friendly to everyone. I admired his unselfishness but regretted his loss.

I find books by E. M. Bounds and Andrew Murray very helpful. Paul Billheimer's books Destined for the Throne and Don't Waste Your Sorrow are very good - I have wasted so many sorrows. Charles M. Sheldon's classic In His Steps makes one take a good look at himself. I read a book by Evelyn Christenson in the 70's titled Lord, Change Me and participated in a group study by her titled What Happens When Women Pray. Kay Arthur's books are very good; I especially like the Lord series. There are so many others that I have read that were very helpful. In working with my marketing business, I have been studying a lot of information. One thing I read yesterday said, (not a quote my my wording of what I gained from one paragraph I read) at some point you - at least for a while - have to stop learning and start doing (once you are actively working, you can go back to learning). Too much intake and too little outflow are not good. I think I have taken in so much "good" information over the years but failed to do enough with it. I need to stop learning, for a while, and get out and DO something. The following are a couple of good books/studies:

• Donna Partow's Becoming the Woman I Want To Be - A 90 Day Journey to Renewing SPIRIT . SOUL. & BODY. I started this book two or three years ago and found it very helpful. I was working at it on my own and let ????? who knows what (maybe things that were too challenging for me at the time?) get in the way and put the book aside for a while (LOL - two or three years is a long while). Donna will be teaching/leading this study via Facebook under 'groups' - tentative starting date July 20, 2009. This is a study that you can join at any time (meaning you do not have to begin on the first day) and still be 'in sync' with the study. I believe the study will begin as a free group; so if you are interested, check "Groups" under Facebook a little closer to the start date to join - you will need to buy a book. At some point after the study begins, it will have a charge for new persons joining. To join after the charge goes into effect, you can go to http://1shoppingcart.com/app/?af=968350 to join or to see other materials available from Donna (including the book).
  

• Donna Partow's Becoming the Woman God Wants Me To Be - A 90-Day Guide To Living The Proverbs 31 Life. This study has been offered twice on Facebook since the first of this year. The first time was a free study, which nearly 3000 women joined (I think men can benefit from reading this book as well). There was a charge for the second session (which was well worth it and included the book), and there was/is a very good, core group participating - study ends on July 19th. This study covers so many things most of us struggle with and gives good strategies for moving forward in our relationship with God and in our daily lives including strategies for MULTIPLE STREAMS OF INCOME to generate additional income for our families. Interested persons can still join the open group and benefit from the information in the book (you need to buy it), the archived videos and teleseminars, and by reading the posts from women who participated when the study was actively going on.

A good, Bible based church and what it has to offer is always a tremendous asset. There is much on the internet that is helpful as long as you are very careful of what you choose to use. Fellow Christians whether
in your church or not can be a good support and source of growth and encouragement.

I hope you found something in this post of interest. "See" you later.

Life's Journey - Friends

Friendship is amazingly important; it helps us to feel grounded - at home. I remember a very few friends from early childhood - before age ten. There was Nelda, Sandy, and Susan McDonald Arnot (I always liked her name). I remember the most about Susan; I think she played a big part in my decision that my faith in God and the way I worshiped God was very important to me. What prompted this determination was when she told me that I could come to her church whenever I wanted, but she would never set foot in my church. That offended me (though I still liked her), and I childishly decided that if she wouldn't come to my church, I certainly wouldn't go to her church. She was Catholic, and I was Baptist - poles apart in those days. This decision impacted my life a number of years later when the first boy I liked was Catholic. My mother was concerned that I would make too much of the relationship, and was concerned about the difficulties I might face if I married this young man. My mother needn't have worried though; that decision had been made years earlier.

Another friend I had that meant a great deal to me was Sue Ann B (last name omitted). We went to school together and church together. We were friends from elementary school until she moved to California during or at the end of grade ten. We stayed in touch until the end of my first or second year in college, and I always thought of her as "my best friend so far away."

I was blessed to make some new friends around age twelve. I had been around these girls from about age nine; but because of my shyness, I did not get to know them well. I used to sit in Sunday School each week and hear people talk about GA's and invite girls to attend; I wanted to go but was too shy to accept the offer. Around age twelve, one of the girls gave me a personal invitation, and that gave me the courage to go. These girls - Ruth, Sharon, Deanna, June, Sue and Beverly - became my circle of friends. Out of that group, Ruth and Sharon seemed to be particularly close while Deanna and June also seemed to have a special relationship (groups within groups). Despite this knowledge, I always felt accepted. There was one other girl from school, Cheryl Taylor, who was a good friend. We both played clarinet in the band throughout junior and senior high school. Cheryl was always first chair, and I was second chair. I was happy for her to have the top spot since I thought she played better than I did (and if I made a mistake I was less likely to be heard). I went to a very large high school, and Cheryl was the only person I knew well who had the same lunch shift I had. Everyone had their groups at school and students had their own assigned seating in the cafeteria; walking into the cafeteria alone and risking sitting at a place I wasn't supposed to sit was something I couldn't have done in those days. Thank goodness Cheryl had a good attendance record or I'd have lost a lot of weight.

I always said that I took my friends to college with me. That isn't exactly true (I don't think they chose the same college I attended because of me), but Ruth, Sharon, Deanna, June and I went off to college together. I feel badly about this, but I cannot remember if Beverly went there or not.

These girls were true friends to me; no matter what, they stood by me. There were good time and some very bad times, but I could always count on them. I don't know if they realized how much their support meant to me, but the road might have been unbearable if I had not felt that they were in my corner. I think they worried about me at times, but their friendship was always there. If my memory serves correct, the last time I saw these girls was at my wedding - almost forty-one years ago. I have recently reconnected with two of the girls, Sharon and Deanna; and as I mentioned earlier, it is like "going home." I want to say "Thank you" to them for their friendship. Ruthie is gone now, and I so regret not being able to see and talk to her again. I also hope it will be possible to reconnect with June.

I don't mean to end on a sad note, but I mentioned Sue Ann earlier (my friend who moved to California) and that we remained friends until the end of my first or second year of college. Sue came back 'home' to visit then; I remember that we all went to Gaslight Square one night - that was back in the days of "Go Go Dancing." We had a good time, but the friendship with Sue ended during that visit; I never heard from her again.

Over the last forty-one years, I have focused more on my family and friendships have been few, far between, and generally surface in nature - nothing like the friendships with the girls from church. I regret this, though there are some persons who have made a definite impact on me and who I care for very much. In that category, I place Elke Canter (now deceased). I met her on a walk in Tropical Park one Saturday morning (I had gone with a lady I knew from church), and somehow I impressed Elke enough that I got a job with Alcoa (Aluminum Company of America) as a result of that meeting. Through Alcoa I also met Janine and have considered her a friend though we have not seen each other since her wedding a number of years ago - wedding seem to hamper my friendships. I also considered and would like to still consider Shirlee a friend; she and Larry were very good to us in Miami. (Information in this post relating to friends stops in the mid 1990's.)

I thank God for my friends and hope I have meant something to them as well. Life's journey goes on. Let's see what happens tomorrow. (Thank goodness for the ability to edit out mistakes.)

Blog by Tara Klena Barthel

Take a look at Tara Klena Barthel's blog at http://networkedblogs.com/p6639219 (I'm not sure if you need the www at the beginning of the address. Contains some food for thought.

Living in Peace (continued)

It's been about nine hours since this morning's post (I thought I'd get back to this earlier), and the day went pretty well. It was actually a very enjoyable time from the perspective of interacting with other persons. It was pretty easy to live in peace with others, at least from my perspective.

Despite the statement above, there was one glitch. While driving home in the white hot heat (my view) and waiting at an intersection to turn, my car chose to die just as a big enough break came in traffic to actually make the right turn. Before I had a chance to turn the key to restart the car, the person behind me blew his/her horn. It wasn't a little toot, just a tap in case I was daydreaming (or asleep), but a relatively long, lay on the horn kind of toot. I didn't get angry or upset, but I did make a comment to the person (I really said it to myself, of course). As I was starting the car and revving it a little (all this took a matter of seconds), I said very calmly, "What do you want me to do? Get out and push it?" It wasn't said unkindly, nor was it truly directed to the person - just an every so slight (like a raised eyebrow) wonderment or irritation at the impatience of the person behind me. Nevertheless, I immediately realized that my reaction was wrong. I felt the Holy Spirit making me aware that I had not really lived in peace during that situation. I thank God for the Holy Spirit and His prompting since I do NOT want to become so callused in my spirit that I can sin against God even in what might be considered a very mild way and not realize it.

As I continued on my way, I was listening to a radio program on WMCU 1080 AM (Coral Gables, Florida). I don't remember the name of the program but based on the programing guide on the internet, it was Sound Word with Frank Trotta and Bernie Diaz. One of the men was talking about being in the "God Zone." I'm not a fanatic; I am a very normal person who is far from perfect, but I want to be in that Zone where I can be in touch with God in the small things as well as in the big things. I want to be close enough to Him that He can 'yank me back' the minute I move in the wrong direction or at least prompt me to stop or to chose another path or another attitude. If I can stop in those first crucial moments when I make that wrong move, perhaps I won't find myself in the middle of a real mess and have to deal with the consequences that WILL come.

I have so much more to say, but I'll save the rest for later. Wishing the very best to all of you.

"So far as it depends on you"

"If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." New American Standard Bible

New day. New beginning. Isn't it wonderful how God gives us the opportunity to start fresh. Whatever happened yesterday, however I reacted to what life threw at me, I can start fresh. This day, as much as it is in my control, let me be at peace with all men (paraphrase). I generally get along with people; it's never been my nature to be deliberately confrontational with anyone. I was usually the one willing to go along with what others wanted, since I wanted everyone to be content. It wasn't typical of me to demand my way. There have been situations over the years though when I have allowed self-concern and wrong thinking to control me, and I have not always had peaceful feeling towards others. That is sin for me, and I ask God's forgiveness. But remember, as I start this new day, this new beginning, I can determine, "...as much as it is in my control..." to live peaceably with everyone and to be able to be a positive influence - not a negative one. Let's see what the day brings.

Life's Journey

When does life's journey begin? At birth? When we graduate from high school or college? At a new job? At marriage? The birth of children? I guess it's different for everyone, but I have decided that life's journey begins each day, each hour, each minute, each second. I can't change the past; and while part of me would like to change some things, the paths I have taken had and have a purpose. While I can't change the past, I can start anew at any moment. My life's journey begins.....NOW! Walk or run with me.