Lack of Faith - Part 2

A lack of faith is something I've always struggled with; though for a long time,I did not realize that this was my problem.

A few days ago, I wrote about losing a baby; but since I had "done battle" with God recently over my relationship with Him, I was able to come through this in surprisingly good shape. I thought the fear I had lived with for so long was no longer a matter of concern; after all, God had been gracious to me. Little did I know that my fear was real, and it would come crashing down on me.

About twenty two years later, my life fell apart. I won't go into details, except to say that one of my children walked out of my life, and I did not see that child for about three years - did not know for certain where my child was. That was more than I could deal with.

I could have and should have put the matter into God's hands knowing that sometimes a person has to go through difficult times in order for him or her to turn to God - in order for God to get his or her attention. I did not do this though. I fought to make things go the way I wanted them to go because I didn't want anyone to have to go though something terrible even if God was going to turn it into something good later. All of my efforts were unsuccessful; however, and I found myself in a very serious depression. I had fought with depression since I was a young teenager (though I did not have a name for it at the time), and had gone through a mild to moderate period of depression in my mid to late twenties. I found Tim LaHay's book titled How to Win Over Depression at that time, and it helped me a great deal.

When my child left, I went into a very serious depression. I was on medication and in counseling for quite some time; and while this helped to some degree, there were issues I still did not deal with. It has only been in the last five to ten years that I came to realize that my problem was a lack of trust in God. I did not feel that I could trust Him with my children. I did not believe that He really cared about me; I did not feel (and had never felt) that I was worthy of His love. I am not, of course, "worthy" of his love, but He loves me anyway.

The minister at our church when I was between nine and twelve said in a sermon that if only one person had ever lived on earth, God would still have sent His Son to give His life for that person. I remember thinking to myself that I could believe that about any of my friends, but not about me. I don't know why I felt that way. I was a pretty well-behaved child (though my mother might disagree), but I just didn't feel worthy of God's love. This all goes back to that "lack of faith," which is really a terrible thing because it says that God is a liar. God's word says that He loves us; therefore, to think that He does not is to say that He is not telling the truth. That is not a good way to think.

I'll end with this. The fear I had since I was a young child happened, and it went the way I feared it would. I lost my child, and I could not handle it. I blamed God, became very depressed, and this did not have a good impact on my family. I did survive though and my child came back into my life. My relationship with God is good today; I am growing in my faith in Him and can now believe that He does love me (though I still do not deserve His love). I have a long way to go, but things are good.

The Journey continues...

P.S. I am going to Bible study in about an hour, and I just sat down to look over tonight's lesson - we have been studying Philippians and Paul. Philippians 3:13b - 14 reads: "forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." I think those are very good verses for today.